Pity Party for 1

Today has been rough. Not sure if it was harder on me, my dear son, or anyone else that came in contact with me.

I haven't blogged in a really long time. I guess life gets busy and time gets away from me. But, I've had a nagging feeling that the best way to cope with this new trial is to write about it.

It's been a crazy couple of months and weeks. But we finally had some answers on Friday. Our sweet boy Alex has been diagnosed with ADD. He is also showing strong signs of OCD and Anxiety. This diagnosis has been a blessing, because we've had a "hunch" with his behavior and his struggles at school for the last few months. We are also able to get some resources to assist him. He's been struggling in school and having a hard time with a lot of changes that have been happening at our home. (That's another post!) He was having more meltdowns that ended up with him and/or me in tears and feeling completely deflated and exhausted. We knew it was time to look into some testing and additional resources.

With our new information, we started working more closely with his teacher, the principle, and we've started organizing our home to help him with routine and consistency.

Today, I am not even sure what happened! He started saying last night that his stomach hurt. Kevin spent some time with him and talked with him a lot about having a nervous stomach and that school is great and we're here to help him however we can. There had been some talk about moving him to another teacher because he has been struggling so much with his current teacher. I guess this was on his mind more than we picked up on. When he woke up this morning, he immediatly started with the tears and stomach ache. I wasn't sure if he was faking or not. He really is good at convincing me that he's sick! So, I gave in and told him he could stay home.

He crawled into bed with me and we cuddled for a few minutes. Luke got up, and he was out of bed and wanting to play. I kep telling him that if he wants to play, he is well enough for school. After a while, he did come to me and said that he wasn't sick and he was faking it and should probably go to schoole. We talked about the rules of him going to school, what is bothering him, his teacher, kids in his class; I felt like we really covered all the bases. And then the meltdown came. And it came with the thunder.

After going back and forth, lots of screaming (him, not me!) and talking, he finally broke down in tears on the stairs. At some point, something clicked in him and he came running into my bathroom and threw his arms around me. He looked up at me and said, "mom, what's wrong with me? Why do I do this? I'm so sorry for yelling at you and I love you very much." I will never forget the moment I felt so completely helpless as a mother. My heart broke. I held him and we both cried.

I told him that there is nothing wrong with him. He just needs some extra help in processing his thoughts and emotions. We talked for a while longer and then headed over to the school. We were there for almost 2 hours putting a plan together and getting us, the teacher, and the principle all on the same page. (If things aren't going the way I think they should...you'd better watch out. The mama bear has been poked!)

I was anxious when he came home from school. I was watching the clock. When he came bounding in and telling me what a great day he had, I knew he was ok.

I know I'm taking the diagnosis much harder than he is. But like I said, I feel so helpless. I don't know what his triggers are. I don't know how he's processing information in his sweet head. I don't know how to calm him as he rages and has no idea why he is feeling so out of control. I fiercly want him to know that he is ok. That we are only wanting him to be happy, healthy, and at peace. I want him to know that he is so loved and that he is not so different from anyone else. I know we will receive more answers and information as we are more educated; but I also know there will be more days like today. Days that have left me with buring eyes from crying all day, and simply defeated. And feeling like I've failed him. So, this is my pity party. And believe me...I've been crying.

I love my Alex. With all of my being. I am widly protective of him; even more so now. He is my boy with the biggest heart. He LOVES everyone and is so empathetic to others and their needs. He will be ok. He will be stronger, and he will still be the light of my life. We'll just take it one day at a time.