The feelings have been the hardest. I'm fine with A's diagnosis. It didn't come as a huge shock. We have seen his behavior and struggles and have been dealing with it for awhile now. I assumed that once we knew what we were dealing with, it would be easier. What I'm finding, is that being educated means my awareness is heightened.
I feel like I finally have my eyes open and I can really see the struggles he is dealing with. I see it in his face when he is really concentrating, and I see it in his eyes when he is struggling. I see in him as he rages, that he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know why he's doing it, and doesn't know how to stop it. I don't know why I didn't see it before.
A is a strong, big heart-ed, empathetic, the best laugh-ever boy. When he breaks down, he really breaks down. We are seeing it more and more. Our doctor did warn us that it would get worse before it got better while we are implementing some new tactics. I hope the harder part goes fast. It breaks my heart every time he breaks down. I wish I could take the rage, furry, and confusion for him. I hope that we can keep learning more tactics to help him get through his meltdown faster and easier. I know once he's done, he's exhausted. I feel like every time he does meltdown, he changes a little bit. I don't want his personality to change or for him to be any different that he always has been.
He has the best laugh. It's contagious. Once he starts, we all start. It is such a highlight when he gets giggling, and then it turns into a full belly laugh. Laughing so hard our bellies hurt and one of us ends up running to the bathroom before we pee our pants. It's a moment of clarity.
He is strong. Some days, I am too. Some days, I'm not. I am grateful that he only has ADD, anxiety, and OCD. I know there are so many other things that could affect any of us. I am grateful for the knowledge that is out there to help. I am grateful that he is happy most of the time. I'm grateful he is otherwise very healthy. I wish he didn't have to experience any of this. I hope that I can be the mom he needs me to be to help him cope with all the changes he is experiencing. I hope that I can continue to expand my patience-bank. Some days I need it way more than others.
The diagnosis is one we can live with. The feelings...I'm learning to cope with as well. This will be a positive thing for all of us. Who couldn't stand to be more organized??!! Trying to be super positive. Even if some days...I cry in the car on my own.
4 comments:
Nik, you can always lean on me, I am there for you no matter what. I can feel how deeply this is affecting you and I can only imagine how hard it is to see A going through all of it. Knowing though is the best weapon to combating it and helping him. Reach out to other mothers who have been through this or who are going through it so you know you are not alone. You have such a sweet calming spirit, that is a real blessing to your family. Don't forget to take care of you as you struggle to take care of everyone else. I love you tons!
I love ya. You are hands down one of the best mom's I know (and I know a few...) A is so lucky to have you! Fo' Real.
Okay. Here's me being honest: First....No pity parties! What other people consider a disability (of sorts), is actually a blessing. Alex is going to do great. Of course his world needs a bit more organizing, but he will find coping skills. (Actually, I never managed to develop a great routine here and these guys are still doing fine. Don't beat yourself up when the house isn't perfect and you struggle to find that "cure-all" routine. It doesn't exist.)
Maybe the best thing that ever happened to me was when I realized that we are here in this life to help each other. I know you are his mom, and you want to fix this frustrating issue, but please be patient. My guess is that you are about discover some really incredible gifts in that kid.
We faced the same attention/anxiety/OCD issues with a few of our kids. I have learned so much about myself, and I continue to learn about the kids. These kids are wired just exactly how they were meant to be. I hesitate to challenge your doctors...okay, I don't. The medical world doesn't always understand the spirit. And doctors are very quick to slap a label on a kid along with a dose of meds. I was thankful that I got to a point where I threw out any 'diagnosis'. I hit my knees and tried to figure out what was most needful. Medication is about the absolute worst thing to do. I found solutions in sports, music, and religion. It's exhausting and worth it. Here's the best I can offer: Every day matters. Not every day is perfect, but if I give my heart to this calling of 'motherhood', the answers come. Bury your worries in the Book of Mormon. Read it just for him. Mark it for him. Write in a journal just for him. You will see amazing changes come to you. Alex doesn't need to feel different or frustrated. You are anxious. They mirror us. Don't believe for a minute that this kid fits into any category. He's unique. He is graced with many talents and abilities. If you search out those, everything else will work out. I PROMISE.
I find comfort in faith.If I had believed the doctors about my sons, they would be mindlessly taking Adderall and sitting in special ed classrooms feeling bad about themselves. Instead they function at high levels, honors classes, good grades, tons of sports and activities. I ignore any "diagnosis" and just play to their strengths. We have bad moments, but so many more good moments to over shadow them.
I just recently figured out that #7 is resembling his older brothers. I have no intention of seeking help for him in the medical world. I don't feel any stress. With some experience under my belt, I understand more what this means for Cade. I don't force many issues. Sometimes he refuses certain things or insists on others. I don't put much energy into things that don't matter. When I see him frustrated, we bring it down a notch. Sometimes he beats to his own drum. He's a happy little dude and I KNOW he will be fine, because I've seen the others come out the other side. I removed my anxiety from the equation and I am amazed by how much easier it is raise these kids.
Hang in there. I am so glad you posted. Call me anytime.
Hey Nikki,
Even though we don't know each other well, I've always felt close to you from a distance. I guess it's the blood! When Kyla was diagnosed with autism at age 4, I felt guilty for feeling relief. I actually knew what I was dealing with! For some kids, meds are necessary, and for some kids they aren't. That's just something you'll have to try and see if it works or not. For Kyla, it didn't. We opted to hold her to the highest expectations, and hope she could attain her goals. She has her struggles, daily, but she's managing and she's successful. You're a great mom, and I know Alex will benefit from having you on his side. :)
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