My oldest is a teenager! I can't believe how time has flown. B had her birthday yesterday. We talked a lot yesterday about the time she came into the world. She is our first. And our only girl. She was the first grandchild on Kevin's side. She was a miracle and blessing. I am lucky to be her mom. She is so many things. She is not only beautiful, but kind, responsible, brave, amazing, loving, gentle, happy, helpful, and my friend. We decided to let her have a friend party last night. She cleaned the basement and we decorated it ready for her party. She was pleased with the decorations, the set up, the movie, and the guest list. She had 13 friends over. We heard music, laughing, teasing, and a lot more laughing. Sounds I love to hear at home! I did go down at one point to check on things, and everyone was on some sort of electronic. (Mostly cell phones!) Such a different time...full of cell phones, tablets, Iphones, Ipads, etc. I am glad that they were taking pictures and documenting their night...because I just realized I didn't take 1 picture. Not even a picture of the chocolate/yellow cake B requested. It turned out good too!! I am glad that B had a great party and fun 13th birthday. She is an amazing girl. I am so honored to have her in our lives. PS...to up her amazing-ness...she got up this morning and went down stairs and re-cleaned the basement. Vacuumed as well! I am one lucky mom! I LOVE YOU B. You are my sunshine, my love, my life. I hope you've had an amazing day. xoxox Mom

Not the what, but the how to feel

The feelings have been the hardest. I'm fine with A's diagnosis. It didn't come as a huge shock. We have seen his behavior and struggles and have been dealing with it for awhile now. I assumed that once we knew what we were dealing with, it would be easier. What I'm finding, is that being educated means my awareness is heightened. I feel like I finally have my eyes open and I can really see the struggles he is dealing with. I see it in his face when he is really concentrating, and I see it in his eyes when he is struggling. I see in him as he rages, that he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know why he's doing it, and doesn't know how to stop it. I don't know why I didn't see it before. A is a strong, big heart-ed, empathetic, the best laugh-ever boy. When he breaks down, he really breaks down. We are seeing it more and more. Our doctor did warn us that it would get worse before it got better while we are implementing some new tactics. I hope the harder part goes fast. It breaks my heart every time he breaks down. I wish I could take the rage, furry, and confusion for him. I hope that we can keep learning more tactics to help him get through his meltdown faster and easier. I know once he's done, he's exhausted. I feel like every time he does meltdown, he changes a little bit. I don't want his personality to change or for him to be any different that he always has been. He has the best laugh. It's contagious. Once he starts, we all start. It is such a highlight when he gets giggling, and then it turns into a full belly laugh. Laughing so hard our bellies hurt and one of us ends up running to the bathroom before we pee our pants. It's a moment of clarity. He is strong. Some days, I am too. Some days, I'm not. I am grateful that he only has ADD, anxiety, and OCD. I know there are so many other things that could affect any of us. I am grateful for the knowledge that is out there to help. I am grateful that he is happy most of the time. I'm grateful he is otherwise very healthy. I wish he didn't have to experience any of this. I hope that I can be the mom he needs me to be to help him cope with all the changes he is experiencing. I hope that I can continue to expand my patience-bank. Some days I need it way more than others. The diagnosis is one we can live with. The feelings...I'm learning to cope with as well. This will be a positive thing for all of us. Who couldn't stand to be more organized??!! Trying to be super positive. Even if some days...I cry in the car on my own.